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I can't sleep. I really tried, but in my mind the same words keep replaying over and over again. "I will not be the fat one anymore." I was just thinking how I've always been the "chubbier one" out of me and my oldest sister. I have enough self-esteem to know I'm prettier than her, but that's not really important when you're a tub of lard like me. I'm so sick of my body in it's current state that I almost started crying while I was trying to sleep. My stomache doesn't feel good either because no food + vitamins + carbonation = blaghgh. I felt like I was gonna puke, hunched over the toilet and a little bit of liquid came out which tasted so completely disgusting like the nastiest tasting pills you can imagine. Anyways, my mind just wont rest. I think I'm going to stay up until midnight and then sleep for 20 hours or something. Maybe I'll lose a little more weight by then. Euggh. I just remembered this time when my sister came to visit and the guy I had a crush on who was at our house pretty much everyday for the previous month was there. He instantly forgot about me when she showed up. I remember him saying something to my brother like "you didn't tell me your sister was soo hott." She flirts with any guy that I like, and we don't have the same taste at all. She just does it to prove that guys like her more. I forgot to mention the best part, she's moving back home sometime soon. I just wanna see the look on her self-obsessed face when she sees me at my goal weight. I refuse to give in this time. I'm gonna ride it out til I hit my goal weight... Definitely. I wont settle for second-best anymore. I want to redeem my self-esteem.

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November 2008
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